You know, I kind of stopped watching "The Next Food Network Star" on Food Network, mostly because I have been enamored with Sunday Night Baseball - both with the actual games and trying to determine if Jon Miller's wardrobe stylist really, really hates him or is trying to win a bet with someone who thinks Jon Miller will NOT wear a yellow shirt, with white collar, and a tie that gets more and more ridiculous every week.  Seriously, this shirt:

Plus this color:

With variations on this tie:


Do NOT make for pleasurable viewing for me, or anyone else, for that matter.  Add to this his inane commentary and Joe Morgan's arrogant ramblings about what a great player he was, and it was clearly time for me to bail out on Sunday Night Baseball and return to the network I enjoy snarking about the most - Food Network.

So, I watched "The Next Food Network Star" for the first time in a few weeks.  And, then I remembered why I stopped.  Because it sucks.  It's the poor man's "Top Chef," if the poor man is also blind and has no concept of flavor or cooking techniques.  Who are the people that get chosen to be on this show?  And, more importantly, who are the producers who think this show is a good idea?  Let's do a quick recap of the previous three seasons.  Season 1 - Gay couple (Dan and Steve!!!!!) wins, they're adorable, cook well, and have a great point of view (easy, inexpensive entertaining).  They get 6 episodes and are never heard from again.  Season 2 - Guy Fieri wins, acts like a DB, gets his own show, gets another show (Diners, Drive-ins, and DBs), gets to help choose the winners on all subsequent seasons of TNFNS, becomes dangerously obese and kind of greasy looking, due to excessive diner food consumption, and starts a trend among 40-something lard-asses by wearing his Oakley sunglasses on the back of his big, meaty head.  Season 3 - Amy Finely wins, has a good show with actual, you know, REAL cooking, gets six episodes and is never heard from again. 

Thus, onto Season 4.  Apparently, since we, the viewers, didn't vote the way FN wanted us to, we've been denied the ability to determine the winner of TNFNS this time around, which, I fear, means we're probably in for another Fieri.  The challenges last night did little to alleviate this fear.  First, the remaining three contestants had to film promos that FN wrote for them (so, now, FN is just giving them culinary POVs?).  Lisa's promo was ridiculously difficult (being strung up on wires and hoisted 40 feet in the air) and kind of sexist (doing all of this while wearing a skintight, black cat suit), Aaron did alright (after B. Flay told him to pretend he was walking down the street in Camden, NJ), and Adam was fine, although all he had to do was walk around on stage and hold hands with some showgirls, hardly anything worthy of determining his "star quality."  Result - Aaron won and Lisa looked like she lacked the ability to form a complete sentence.  You can see the promos and recap here.

The cooking challenge was to set up an upscale buffet for "Vegas" (yeah, I know, WTF?).   They each got $1000 and 6 hours, plus a sous chef in the form of previously-voted-off contestants.  Again, blatantly ripping off "Top Chef."  I won't bore you with the details of the food, sufficed to say, Lisa's was fancy, Adam's was smoky, and Aaron's wasn't as good as it should have been.  All in all, none of the contestants made food that was, in any way, innovative, original, or really all that interesting.  Any food worthy of a TV show?  Certainly not.  Any food worthy of a food show on FN?  Sadly, probably yes.  In the end, Tuschman, Susie, and B. Flay decided to keep them all and bring them all back to NYC for the final.  Not a surprise, since they ran an F-ing promo (400 times) before the show aired, showing Tusch saying, "we've never done this before."

Bottom line, in my opinion.  FN wants Aaron to win, or he would have gone home.  He clearly should have gone home.  One good promo doesn't make up for horrible food.  Although, I guess no one really needs to know how to cook to be on FN - Sandra Lee, anyone?  They just need a host with a "personality" to instruct the viewers by reading directly from a tele-prompter.  Actually, they don't even need to cook.  Most of the shows on now involve some over-the-top moron wandering around the country, shoveling food into their gaping maw, while saying, "local, home-cooked food is the best."  Of the three people left, I think Adam is the one most likely to win, based on what FN is looking for.  If it were up to actual cooking ability, I think Aaron would win.  If it were up to actual knowledge about food, I think Lisa would win.  As of now, I won't watch a show involving any one of them.  And, I'm not going to watch the finale, I don't get to vote and the outcome has already been determined.  I'll just wait for the aftermath and read about the debacle on TWoP the next morning.  Besides, I HAVE to see if Jon Miller will wear the yellow shirt again.

Tags: baseball, food network, the next food network star, tv

9:53 - I'm set up in bed with my laptop, the TV, TiVo remote (for prime rewinding capabilities), and some laundry to fold if I get bored or have a break during commercials.

9:56 - Ugh.  Just watched Antonia get knifed again.

10:00 - Here we go!!!  The obligatory recap of the season, showing Dale punching a locker ad Lisa yelling about rice.

10:01 - Stephanie brilliantly says - "this is it."  Richard interviews that his entire future is at stake.  He complains about Lisa being there, cut to Lisa worrying about sucking it up.

10:02 - 3 guest chefs!  April Blumenfield, Dan Barber, Eric Ripert (!!! - so cute!!!).  Tom gives the challenge - 4 courses in the traditional progression (fish, poultry, meat, dessert).  Choose a guest chef to be your sous chef!  Each sous chef has a different selection of proteins!!  (drool) lump crab and Wagu beef!

10:04 - Stephanie and Richard have to choose knives to see who chooses first - Stephanie = Ripert, Richard = Barber, Lisa = April.  Really, there are no losers here.  3 hours to prep today and 4 hours the next day to cook for a black tie affair!

Lisa - flavors of Thailand and Vietnam.  April doesn't cook Asian food.  Uh oh.
Richard - his journey (classic through molecular) - still waiting for the lightening bolt.  Dan seems confused!
Stephanie - different flavor combos and well-balanced, simple.  Eric seems impressed.  Then she offends him by hovering over his filleting!! Ha!  You don't tell Eric how to fillet a fish, bitch!

10:09 - Time's running out on the 3 hour prep.  Richard uses his secret weapon - liquid nitrogen, to make Tabasco Sauce ice cream (bleargh).  Lisa talks smack about molecular gastronomy, which sadly, I kind of agree with.  Eric wins me over by wanting to learn about liquid nitrogen!!

I TOTALLY agree with Stephanie - Lisa getting along with someone IS weird.

5 minutes of prep left - cooking montage.  Gladware plug (last of the season???).  Richard still interviews that he has no plan.  Um, WTF?  Dude.  You need to have some kind of plan...you've been there this long, you really have no concept of what you want to cook as your "meal of a lifetime?"

(Glad and Puerto Rico sponsored commercial break)

10:14 - back to the kitchen.  No sous chefs?  Only Tom!!  Oh no...here comes the twist.  The sous chefs aren't coming in because the judge's wanted to make sure the contestants were cooking "by their own hand."  WTF?  So now they have to do crappy, quick work because they got screwed over?  I get that this is what happens in restaurants all the time, but, come on.  This isn't a restaurant.  It's the FINALE!!  And the dessert, too?  I'm not such a fan.

10:17 - I'm ashamed to admit that Lisa's dishes sounds delicious!  Ooh!  Richard!  Bacon ice cream!

Sniff and Sneer - Richard's menu is "abstract."  Stephanie - Tom seems angered by her cake.  Lisa - laughs at her being so calm.

Gratuitous shot of the timer with Glad Forceflex in the background.

10:20 - Stephanie is worried about her cake and Richard & Lisa tell her it's fine and to stop doubting herself.  So, everyone should act like you, Lisa?  Good Lord.  What a debacle that would be.

Everyone looks so fancy at the black tie dinner!  I like Padma's red dress!

10:26 - Padma tries to get the dirt on working with the chefs.  They come out of the kitchen to meet the judges and guests (ugh, Zagat).  Yay!  Ted Allen!

Menus
Richard: Personal Journey
Lisa: Vietnamese/Thai
Stephanie: Simple, clean, multiple proteins, fruit, all flavor points

First Courses:
Lisa - Grilled Prawns - chili basil sauce, potato chips
Steph - Red snapper, asparagus
Richard - scallop with mango and pinapple vinegar (yum-O)

The judges like Stephaie's best (?)

Second Courses:
Lisa - soup dumpling, coconut soup (hell's yeah!!)
Stephanie - seared quail, mango lobster sauce
Richard - Guinea Hen and fois gras, spring vegetables (isn't it Fall??)

Lisa's seems to go over well.  Steph's does, too

Third Courses:
Lisa - Wagu beef with corriander and garlic
Steph - Lamb, mushrooms, pistachios (sounds so, so good)
Richard - Pickled radishes, pork belly (drool...pork belly)

Lisa's beef is not tender and the dish is pedestrian.  Steph's is well thought-out.

Fourth Courses:
Lisa - Black Thai Rice Pudding (no, not the rice!!!)
Steph - Ricotta Poundcake
Richard - Banana scallop with bacon ice cream (yawn...)

10:35 - They like Richard's dessert (they should, it's the third time he's made it on the show), but find Stephanie's to be good but un-inventive.

(beth - I, to you, in addition, like his use of "F" as well.)

10:40 - Judge's Table - (GOB - It's the final countdown!!!)  Tom wants to find out what the chefs' intentions were.

First Course:
Richard - First course should wake up the palate, the judges think it was underseasoned.  Lisa's first course was "assertive" (read: spicy).  Stephanie's dish was beautiful and light. 

Second course:
Richard - I don't remember what they said about it...and I just watched it...too much wine.
Lisa - great soup
Stephanie - WTF was up with the leeks???

Third course:
Richard - minimalistic dish, but couldn't make the fat crispy...what's better than crispy pork fat?
Lisa - Beef wasn't cooked properly and the sauce was too sweet.
Stephanie - lamb was creative and braised pistachios were delish!

Fourth course:
Richard - called him out on making the dish before!
Lisa - delicious rice
Steph - Tom didn't like the banana cream

Last words - Stephanie says she second guessed herself and that's why her dessert felt flat.  Lisa says again that she's confident and that she should be Top Chef. 

10:47 - Oh snap!!  Richard says he choked!!!  WTF??!???!

The vote on each course.
Course 1 - Lisa/Steph
Course 2 - Lisa (?)
Course 3 - Steph
Course 4 - Richard/Lisa (Ben and Jerry's shout-out for you, beth!!!)
(way to pipe in the sound of morning songbirds, Bravo producers)

10:50 - Stew room - Lisa gives two courses to Steph and two to herself.  WTF, Richard gets nothing??  Way to be supportive, Lisa...weren't you just complaining about the two of them not supporting you not two days ago?  The judges all state that they have a "preference."  You can't say "favorite" anymore, guys?  Ugh.  Lisa's totally going to win.

10:56 - Stephanie wins the poll!

10:57 - Padma restates the prizes and the fact that someone will win.  Thanks for the recap, slurry.  Tom recaps why the chefs are awesome.

Stephanie is TOP CHEF!!!!!!!!!!!

She didn't really look that excited!!  YAY!!!  The other contestants come out of hiding to congratulate her.  Lisa bitches, big surprise.  Richard says that is sucks to los.

10:58 - OOH!  Dale looks so sassy and fancy!!!

Stephanie does an adorable jig!  I'm so happy!!  That was awesome!  I'm so glad she won!  And, while I'm happy she won, does anyone else feel like this was a slightly underwhelming finale?  No real drama.  All good food.  Whatever.  Stephanie won!!!

Well, that's it, everyone...thanks for reading!  I'll be back with fantastic recaps of "The Next Food Network Star," and, of course, "Top Chef" season 5!

Tags: finale, top chef, wtf

I think my thoughts on this episode can be nicely summed up in this text I got from BW last night, "OH MY GOD! I HATE HER! WHAT A BITCH!" Seriously.

So, after a six month break, the final four arrive in Puerto Rico, having used the time off to travel (Stephanie), open a restaurant (Antonia), and do some other stuff the producers saw fit not to tell us about (Richard and Lisa). I assume they all brushed up on their knowledge of Puerto Rican and Caribbean cuisine, too.

For the Quickfire, the contestants have to make two fritters, each using plantains (the quintessential Puerto Rican ingredient, according to guest chef, Wilo Benet - who I thought was Tommy C. for a second). Stephanie wins the Quickfire for her inventive, yet classic fried treats. Richard torches his eyebrows on the ghetto range. Lisa forces Padma to chug her beer after serving a super-spicy tostone. The contestants all rock the jazz hands when time runs out on the challenge. Overall, not very exciting. Call me if someone sets Lisa on fire using the ghetto range.

Once the Quickfire is over, Wilo invites them to a local party, complete with rum and a pig on a spit (foreshadowing anyone?). The party looks like good times, I would have been all over that pig with a bottle of rum in my hand. delicious. The finalists have fun, but are somewhat restrained, as they are, understandably, all worried about the last challenge, set for the next day. Padma and Wilo dancing made the episode for me, though. That was too cute. I kind of wish Tom had been there to dance, as well. That would have been worth the price of watching "Top Chef" season 2.

The Elimination Challenge is to make two dishes using whatever cuts of meat the contestants want from their own, personal, whole pig (eek) and whatever ingredients their sous chefs can find at the local market. Sous chefs, you ask? Oh yeah, bitches, they brought back our old friends, Dale, Nikki, Spike, and Andrew to help. Stephanie, as the winner of the Quickfire, got to assign the sous chefs to the actual chefs - nice. She takes Dale, and gives Nikki to Antonia, Spike to Richard, and, dum dum dum...Andrew to Lisa (some of you may remember Lisa throwing Andrew under the bus during the 'Serve and Protect' challenge). Good times.

The chefs get 30 minutes to plan their menu with their sous chefs, then the sous chefs head off to the market (which was absolutely gorgeous, BTW) while the finalists butcher their pigs. Which was interesting, to say the least. Apparently Lisa has no respect for any animal, as she appeared to be beating the pig with whatever implements were available in the kitchen. Then, the finalists and sous chefs had two hours to prep and another 5 hours the next day to set up for the party at which they would be serving their food. A party for the governor. Fancy.

After the two hour prep, everyone frantically shoves their food into the minimal space they were provided and goes back to their hotel. But not before the cameras get the Doomsday shot - some of Stephanie's pork belly left out on the counter. By Dale. And his jaunty hat. Shades of Sam leaving behind Marcel's fish in the final challenge of Season 2...

The next day, Dale beats himself up for possibly sending Stephanie home. The two of them brainstorm a third dish they can make using what they have and settle on crispy pork skin with a fresh salsa-relish. Yummy! Richard torches some pigs feet (in the style of his eyebrows the day before), and Antonia sucks at making rice. WTF is up with no one being able to make rice this season? Nikki interviews that she thinks Antonia is "off" today (foreshadowing, anyone?). Once time's up, they head down to the beautiful lawn of the Governor's Mansion and set up their stations to serve food to the guests and judges. The judges go to each finalists table and try all three dishes, without really giving any indication of how they feel about the food. Padma does, however, express her love to ancient Greece by wearing lovely blue toga. The editors then splice in four different guests talking about the food, each one singing the praises of a different finalist. Of course. At this point, I had no idea who was going home. I know who I wanted to go home, though.

Judges' Table -
Richard and Stephanie (yay!) are selected as the top two. They loved how Richard restrained himself and served good, simple food. Stephanie's there because she served three great dishes and they all loved her crispy pork skin dish (way to go, Dale!). Richard wins the challenge for being better overall and, in the ultimate product placement, wins a new Toyota Corolla. WTF?

So, that leaves us with Antonia and Lisa as the bottom two. Antonia sucks because she undercooked her beans and because she inexplicably dumped all three of her dishes onto one plate, so they all blended together into one, unappetizing pile of brown and gray. Lisa's in the bottom two because her dishes just weren't that good and because no one was crowding around her table during service. Ultimately, they send Antonia home. WTF? Antonia shakes everyone's hand, except for Gail, who she seemingly disses and heads out, but not before telling Stephanie to kick everyone's ass in the final.

So, overall, good challenges, but confusing outcome. I don't know if it was shody editing or what, but it seemed like Antonia's food tasted good, it just looked poor and those F-ing beans were undercooked. All of Lisa's food, on the other hand, seemed to not taste good at all. So, why Antonia was sent home is unclear to me. If her food tasted worse than Lisa's - fair, but it seemed, to me, based on what I saw, that this wasn't the case. Whatever. She'll bring a pissy attitude to the final challenge, one sorely lacking in Richard and Stephanie, so her presence will be much appreciated. By some. Not by me. Honestly, there's no way Lisa will win and there was no way Antonia was going to win, either, so I'm not to upset overall. I am upset about Lisa's attitude, however. I get the need to be tough in a kitchen, but everyone there is supporting you, you can act a little nicer.

Notable moments:
Dale (about the black plantains) - "They look rotten. They. Look. Rotten."
Richard (about Lisa) - "You won the fucking bronze medal. Congratulations. There you go.”
Iko (about Tom C.) - Tom C. needs to wear an undershirt. I don't care how hot it is in PR. That's a necessity. Always.

Tags: pig, pork, top chef, wtf

Well, everyone's favorite "Top Chef" rip off premiered it's fourth season last night. I'm kind of confused as to why they keep making this show, since it's obvious all their choices don't last that long on Food Network, except for Guy Douchebag, but I guess he fits in well with the douchey personalities of most of the other "chefs" on the network (more on that later). Actually, I guess they keep making the show because I keep watching it just to snark about it, so, well-played, Food Network, I guess. I will begrudgingly give you this round.

It's kind of hard to get a good read on the contestants at this stage, except for the ones Food Network wants us to know more about, but I'll give you my brief overview.

Kelsey - seems cute and bubbly, but it's kind of annoying. I guess she would be good to attract a younger viewership, especially with a good food on a budget-thing, kind of like the awesome, yet defunct Dave Lieberman.
Kevin - bringing romance and fun back into the kitchen? What does that even mean?
Shane - guy who lost a lot of weight. He'd be good for a show about healthy eating, especially cooking and eating to lose weight, something I think is incredibly important. He's a little young, I think, is a 45 year-old overweight housewife going to listen to him to make food for her family? Probably not. Besides, he want to do simple French cooking, not healthy food.
Jennifer is the token single mom who wants to show us how to make food for your family. I think this is a good idea, too, hopefully she can be more legitimate than Robin Miller. I think she said she was an actual working chef, though, so I have high hopes for her.
Cory is apparently a comedienne and has a degree from France (perhaps a "degree" like the one Sandra Lee obtained?)
Jeffrey - makes soul food and comfort food, I don't know that there's a need for another show like this, we already are subjected to Paula and the Neely's, do we need more? Do Not Want.
Adam - does improv and is a restaurant server who apparently owned a restaurant at one point (?). WTF? If you owned your own restaurant, how do you go back to being a server?
Lisa - has scary eyebrows.
Aaron - he's from NJ, baby! Young boy who came from nowhere and now cooks at a hospital. Admirable. I like him.
Nipa - blatant attempt at FN trying to diversify the contestants, although an Indian cooking show would be cool. I don't know how much I like her, though, she seems kind of cocky. Regardless, she'll probably get pretty far in the competition, based on all the flak Food Network gets about not having any "ethnic" cooking shows.

So, onto the actual challenges. The first one was to sum up their Culinary Point of View in one sentence for the camera, using props, if necessary. Alton Brown then critiqued them on their performance, which, if the contestants had any brains at all, should be taken without argument and followed to the letter. All in all they actually did surprisingly well, except for Cory, unless they edited out a bunch of retakes and degeneracy. I can't believe Cory, the stand-up performer did so badly, but I guess it was foreshadowing of what was to come. The best part of the whole challenge had to be Lisa explaining her CPoV and everyone going WTF?, including Alton. Then, when he called her on it, she responded with something to the effect of, "it's a shame Alton didn't understand what I was talking about," as if it's his fault for being an idiot. Yeah, maybe you should listen to the guy who already has multiple show on Food Network before you get so pissy, eyebrows.

For the second challenge, Alton had them draw colors to pair up into teams of two. Each team had to prepare three dishes, one by each of the contestants that represented their CPoV, and one dish that was a collaboration of both of their CPoVs. Then, they have to present their food to a smorgasboard of FN personalities, including, Chef Morimoto, Alton, B. Flay, the Neeley's, Sandra Lee, Giada, and the stupid judges (Susie and Bob). Yes, the FN personalities are listed in order of decreasing legitimacy (but only the first three, the rest are on the same level of awfulness in my opinion - which means nothing). They're given 10 minutes to plan, time to shop at the West Side Market, and 30 minutes to prepare the dishes in the FN kitchens. Sidebar: How nice are those kitchens, seriously? It's not right. I would kill someone to be able to cook in there for a day.

I'll spare you the blow-by-blow, but basically, Nipa can't find Turmeric in the store and Lisa acts like a bossy ho. Onto the food...

Pair 1: Shane and Nipa
They make pork tenderloin wrapped in prosciutto (yum!), curried potatoes, and a butternut squash soup with curry powder. The pork for their beauty plate is severely undercooked and Morimoto calls them out. Nipa acts like a cocky jackass and says her food is bad because she couldn't find turmeric and didn't want to change her game plan so she used curry powder instead. The judges universally agree that the potatoes didn't have enough curry, but that the pork tenderloin was delicious (not the beauty plate). Sandy chimes in and says she doesn't like curry.

Pair 2: Kevin and Lisa
Lisa freaks out and acts like a woman who is quickly losing control of everything around her, then blames Kevin for anything that goes wrong. They make French Kiss Onion Soup (WTF), poached salmon with basil puree, and a salad (I don't even know what kind it was). The food goes over alright, but the salad is overdressed and all the judges are confused by Lisa's CPoV. See, ho, that's why you always listen when Alton tells you to do something. if everyone's confused, it's not because they're stupid, it's because you MAKE NO SENSE.

Pair 3: Adam and Jennifer
Adam and Jennifer choose to inexplicably make "kitchen sink" meatloaf. Why would you think you could make meatloaf in 30 minutes? Just because RayRay makes meatloaf patties in 30 minutes doesn't mean you can, too. She has invisible helpers that come in during the commercial breaks, swiffer away her food, and replace it with stuff that has finished cooking. You don't get that until you win TNFNS. They also make carrots (looked good) and scalloped potatoes, which were apparently severly undercooked. Adam does bring the most brilliant line of the episode to the table, though, with his, "Morimoto stares with eyes that pierce the center of your soul." Yes, Adam, he does.

Pair 4: Kelsey and Aaron
They run out of time when plating the dishes (due to diorganization on Kelsey's part (?) - it's hard to tell what the editor's wanted us to think at that point). The food they made actually looked pretty good and actually fit well together, a salmon sandwich, an orzo salad, and a soup. And then, the greatest thing happened: Giada revealed her bitchiness (kept in check by the producers of her show, evidently) and called Kelsey fake, after Sandra Lee intoned that she thought Kelsey was cute and real. It caused an upheaval of conflicting emotion within my soul, making me laugh because 'pot calling kettle,' Giada? and cry, because I actually liked Sandy at that moment. What are you doign to me, TNFNS? I can't handle this emotional turmoil. Giada was probably bitchy because she doesn't want someone younger and cuter on the network. If I can find a video, I'll post it later, because it was seriously DAWESOME (/Andy Bernard).

Pair 5: Cory and Jeffrey
Their cooking was pretty uneventful (deviled eggs, salmon with honey and lavander (yuck) and potato pancakes) and I don't think that good based on the judges reactions. Mostly the judges seemed to want to attack Cory for not being funny, which I found odd, because comedians aren't funny all the time, right? Th challenge was about the food, not their personalities, so maybe the judges should have focused on it.

The Elimination -
Kelsey and Aaron were two of the selection committee's favorites, although Kelsey needs to act like less of an over-caffeinated cheerleader (fair) and Aaron needs to show more of his personality (also fair). Adam and Jennifer seem to have done OK, too, although they tell Adam to be more serious, which I found odd, because I didn't find him particularly funny or immature. Besides, weren't they just telling Cory she needed to be MORE funny? Kevin and Lisa did alright, too, but they call her out about her retardo CPoV, again. Cory and Jeffrey are told the deviled eggs were too salty and the fish was too sweet (yuck, again), while Shane and Nipa are called out about their non-curried curried potatoes and soup.

After the dressing down, Kelsey, Aaron, Adam, Jennifer, Kevin, and Jeffrey are told they can go back upstairs as they are safe and will continue to compete. They all sprint away quickly, so as to avoid the wrath of Susie and Bob, soon to be unleashed on an unwitting contestant. Cory is told she has a crappy on-camera personality, Nipa is told she's too confident, Shane is told he has no personality, and Lisa is told she's too rigid and over-powering (just say bitchy, guys, come on, the show is on at 10 pm on Sunday night, no kids are watching). They send Cory home for not being funny enough and being unable to meld her cooking and comedy together. After one challenge. Come on, give her a break, I bet she would have been pretty good, given the chance. I'd rather see Lisa go home, no clear CPoV and a poor attitude to boot? SOLD.

Some random quibbles: Why isn't Alton Brown at the elimination? Doesn't he spend the most time with the contestants? Shouldn't he at least have a say? Or is he like the Tim Gunn of Food network? I would prefer fr him to be more of a Tom Colicchio-type, head judge, head sniff and sneer-er, I'm not here to be your friend, kind of guy. You KNOW B. Flay could rock the sniff and sneer almost as well as Tommy C., come on. Also, What was the point of having all that food splayed out in the FN test kitchen if they just made the contestants go shopping anyway? Was that a "pantry" they could use and they just went to get a few things? Or was it just unnecessary decoration to be thrown out when the shoot was done? And, not really a quibble, but B. Flay looked quite good in his blue shirt and yellow tie.

Next week: Robert Irvine makes them cook on a train (?)! Nipa runs from the selection committee! Susie eats raw eggs - maybe gets Salmonella!

ETA: Thanks to the lovely comments on TWoP, I can now, without a doubt, say eyebrows looks like a Vulcan.

Tags: alton brown, bobby flay, food network, the next food network star

(shout-out to MD for the title!)
Well, the debacle that was "Restaurant Wars" is over. It was clear who would win, it was more clear who would lose, and it was not so clear why one of the most talented chefs of the season was sent home (also my personal favorite), while, inexplicably, douche-hat and bitch-face remain. Who went home tonight? Who remains? The final four of this culinary smackdown were determined tonight, let's find out who they are...

Opener -
Nothing really exciting happened, except that Stephanie interviewed that she was excited there are so many girls left in the competition, which I thought indicated that a girl was going home. Apparently the Bravo editing team pulled one over on me.

Quickfire -
Go to Allen Brothers and cut meat. That's what she said. Alright, straight up, I LOVE this Quickfire. Not as much as the relay race, but butchering is such and important skill for a chef to have, so to actually MAKE the chefs fabricate their own product is brilliant. I was a little upset about the huge amount of waste some of the chefs produced, I mean, come on guys, a poor cow had to die, the least you can do is treat it with respect. That said, I will begrudgingly admit that Spike actually (pleasantly) surprised me with his mad butchering skills. As a bonus, we had a dual Quickfire, in which the chefs had to bring their meat (TWSS) with them to the Top Chef kitchen and cook it to a perfect medium rare. Again, awesome - a perfectly relevant test of the skills a chef should have. I was a little concerned at first that no one actually ate the steaks, but once the Quickfire was over, the chefs got to eat their delicious meat. Spike really owned the whole challenge and I'm glad he won, he deserved it, even if his attitude is crappy. Clearly he knows his way around a piece of meat (say it with me now).

Elimination Challenge -
I love this challenge. I think it's the best one yet. Seriously. They took all the skills a chef running a restaurant should have and melded them together into a delicious stew of mad-skillery. First, design two dishes based on the ingredients in the walk-in. Something chefs do everyday. Next, just cook their dishes and fire them when appropriate. Again, exactly what chefs do everyday. Perfect. Finally, make the dish taste good and make it appropriate for the restaurant's clientele. Steakhouse. Make steaks and rich side dishes. I think everyone did well, with the exception of Spike inexplicably poor choice to use frozen scallops. Even I know not to use them. or at least not sear them. What about a mousse? A soup? Something where texture's not that important. Come on now, Spike. Let's see what you're made of - change your game plan midway through.

Some favorite happenings:
1. Before they got to the restaurant, Richard cleaning up the Top Chef house with a giant garbage bag with a perfectly placed GLAD logo directed at the camera. Do Glad Bags actually have logos on them? Curses, Gladware, you've made me curious enough to go buy a box of bags to see if they do. Strong product placement.

2. Tom's face during the Sniff and Sneer when he found out Spike was using those awful scallops.

3. Tom's reaction to the peanut butter mashed potatoes. Interesting sidebar - when Lisa says she made them before, at another restaurant, does that mean she's just lifting other chef's ideas and foisting them upon the judges? Is she this season's Ilan?

4. Speaking of douchebags. Ilan showing up and acting more douchey than usual (the comment about head shaving made me throw up in my mouth a little, seriously, what the hell is his problem. Why would you voluntarily remind people of how awful you are?). And what the F was up with his glasses and gay-ass T-shirt? You're at a nice steakhouse, dude, try to dress appropriately. They even got Harold to dress up.

5. Speaking of Harold, here is a direct transcript of my notes when I saw him: "HAROLD!!!! Eeeeeek! SQUEEEE!" (could he be anymore adorable?)

6. When Tom announced he was expediting. Ha! He'll kick their asses!

As far as the individual food goes, Stephanie's looked and sounded the best to me. Come on, crispy sweetbreads and a giant steak with wild mushrooms and salsify puree? What's not to love? Antonia's salad sounded good, but isn't it kind of what she made before for Sam, the sexy salad man? I can't believe the judges didn't call her out about making the same thing twice. I mean, it's good, but show your range. That said, her steak also sounded delicious, as did the famed gratin. Richards appetizer was by FAR my favorite thing any of the chefs made, though. Hamachi? Crispy sweetbreads? Avocado? Yuzu? SOLD, mother F-er!! Sold! I can only imagine the taste and texture that came along with that dish. I kind of want to make it, but I'll most likely fail miserably and be sad I wasted 30K on cooking school.

The two losers - Spike and Lisa, honestly, I don't know what to say. Spike's steak looked really good, but I still don't know why he kept on with those scallops. I guess once you have your mind made up, it's hard to change, but this is for the final four and Puerto Rico, pull out all the stops. As for Lisa, I like the idea of a giant prawn appetizer, but why you would choose to chill something covered with fat is beyond me. I think even an 8-year old child would know the fat would congeal into an unappetizing and disgusting mass.

Judge's Table -
It was interesting, that's all I can say. I cannot believe Spike called out Tramonto like that. Bad move, dude. I always knew you were a douche-hat, but I didn't think you'd start insulting the judges, especially the one whose kitchen you just used and whose customer's you just served. I was really happy with the decision to give Stephanie the win, she definitely deserved it, as both her dishes were the best and she worked calmly, cleanly, and most importantly, didn't insult anyone along the way. Plus, her prize was pretty cool, although hopefully the appliances work better than they allegedly did last season. It was adorable when her, Antonia, and Richard started dancing around in the Stew Room after they knew they were going to Puerto Rico. That must have been one of the best feeling in the world. As far as Spike's knifing, he needed to go, but Lisa needs to go more. I don't even know if she's that great a cook. Everything she makes is underseasoned (even though she has an "amazing palate," Padma?) and she just looks pissed all the time. You can't have a top chef that refuses to accept criticism. How can you grow as a chef if you think everyone's opinion about your food is wrong?

Next week: Lisa cuts her hair to look more like Richard! Seriously, I thought they were just showing him excessively! Puerto Rico looks beautiful! Someone may severely injure themselves hacking apart hunks of meat!

Tags: douche-hat, top chef